nothing to say, mainly because there has been so much to think about that i cant put anything into words
for some inexplicable reason my soul picks this moment to spew forth through the medium of my blog
so sit back and hang on because i don't know what is going to come out.
if it horrifies you or offends you, then you probably had some delusions about me that needed to be done away with, so you can thank me later by buying me a meal sometime.
i hate being broke. worse than broke. i have a small amount of debt that i have been carrying since grad school and its finally stopped being the albatross around my neck and now it has transmogrified into the snarling dog on the other side of the fence. the fence you are walking along. and who knows when you both will chance upon an opening.
for the first time in a while i am making money that will be able to pay it off, and rather quickly, but i simply need to wait for the state of fricking ohio's Office of Budget Management to decide that the time is right to process my invoices and write checks so i can get paid. bad enough it normally takes 4-6 weeks for that to happen, but they decided to send two back because parking and meals have to come from different accounts and can't be on the same invoice. and i am supposed to know that how exactly??? so i had to resubmit them, and instead of completing the transaction from where they left off, they started from scratch. 12 weeks till i see the check, august 8. and thus all the work i did to set up a payment plan with my credit card company went out the window because i had no income for three months. oh the joy.
paychecks from OBM are like irregular bowel movements. you don't know when or if they will come, but the longer it takes the more you know you need professional help.
i have the apartment to myself today. i had a roommate since i got back from LA. a dear friend (who probably will read this) stayed with me and was living the life of an actor in cleveland. low income, thankless job, and the frustration of precasting the only roles you might be good for....
he gave up and decided to move home until his next childrens show tour picks up in october. everyone leaves. they are smart, i guess. i have tried to stay in cleveland to find the fertile ground and plant a garden, and tend it till it bears the fruits of my labor. a theatre that can feed a growing number. but every time it is supposed to blossom something happens and i am left alone to view the weeds and start seemingly from scratch.
even now, when i am supposed to have two friends stepping up to share this labor of love, i see that what they say and what they do ae different things. i ge the impression that i am just a pawn in their game- a stepping stone to get the theatre they want up and running. my presence is merely a necessity, not a preference. strange to have people ask you questions about a project you are supposed to be an intetgral part of, and find out that as they were being courted to be involved, your name was left off the list of main players. again. and i dont feel sorry for myself, i am just resigned to the fact that my one greatest weakness is the lack of self-promotion.
i have neverbeen cutthroat about selling myself. my work stands for itself. 'nuff said. if i need to go out and tell people how wonderful i am, i would rather stay home and do more work.
there are many notable people in the cleveland theatre scene who blow their own horns really loudly and well. have their own websites and networks, and work all the time. and yet the greatest artistic achievements that all can see are their extraordinary feats of self-promotion. on stage the creative landscape is only extra-ordinary.
i keep my head down and toil away alone, because because that is where is see honor, and the spoils of war. looking for the happiness i am trying to earn.
and it may finally be here, what i have waited and longed for...
this thursday i will be driving to buffalo to see my family, well my mom and my aunt and uncle, and maybe my dad... i need to see him, its been a while.
but most important is that i will be seeing a woman i have not seen in nearly 20 years. we dated 21 years ago, between my freshman and sophomore years in college. from my high school. adorable and sexy and we were both so scared to death to do anything that we had a completely chaste relationship that summer. i ended it when i went back to school for only the reason that i was going back to school and every friend on my freshman hall had had major problems with long distance relationships... even the ones as short as an hour or two away. they chose to miss out on college and life because they had to make their nightly phone call or that weekend going home because it was expected of them. i didn't want that. life was in front of me and i wanted to be available to it's opportunities.
i didnt realize that it was pretty devastating for her. i never thought that anyone would care that much about me. i mean come on, i am just me. nothing all that special. yet i hurt her.
we bumped into each other a few years later, she came to see a shakespeare in the park show and i was in it. she was with her boyfriend. she seemed so great, and i knew i missed her, but she was with someone and seemed as radiant as ever. i didnt hear from her for months. turns out her boyfriend broke it off right after that show because she had reacted so strongly to seeing me there. i guess he didnt realize she was carrying a torch and failed to see that all he had to do was be special and that torch would have been his forever. she didn't call me, so i never knew.
a few years later i was living in cleveland and dating a woman, practically living with her, and she found me again. email or phone, i don't remember. she sent me a picture of herself, taken at one of those photo booths. so hauntingly beautiful, yet somehow sad. she was working in a bra factory in the pacific northwest, and i couldn't get myself to write back often. i felt guilty that i was in a relationship that was failing. i had wanted out for a long time, but the thought of being alone was too scary, and the thought of hurting the woman i was with too painful. and why couldn't i find happiness in the relationship. what was wrong with me? i was going to work on this and make it work. and here i was wanting the echo of a love long past. and a quarter of the way around the globe. a fifth?
that contact faded away...
i would periodically search for her online, but never contact her, or if i tried it would have been a closed email account. and i dated others, longing for something i could never find, a glimmer here a wisp there, a look in someone's eyes that never panned out. i still find myself looking in crowds and passing cars for a passing soul, the eye contact that tells me that i have finally found that soulmate again. Celestine Prophesy a bit too close to my heart, i guess. that soulmate is there somewhere and i keep looking. my fear is that i didn't recognize it when it was there in front of me.
and then this christmas i got an email from her again. and we have struggled to remain friends. that choice of vocabulary is deceiving: i do not mean that it is difficult to like her or communicate, quite the opposite. now that we are back in touch it is like the moments have never passed between us. she is the most incredible friend i could ever have, we share thoughts and references. she is obsessed about many of the same things as i am, she has many of the same fears, her frustrations with love have been hand in hand with my own, and her creative spirit is also chained to the same promethean rock that mine is, only with different chains.
i will see her for the first time in nearly two decades in two days and i am both thrilled and terrified about this. all i have longed for is the sense of peace that comes with not having to look anymore. i thought i had found that on a few occasions... grown together with someone only to either be ripped away by being dumped within sight of the man who had already replaced me... having to slice the bond apart because i know it is an unhealthy bond and try to ease the pain of the person i have cared about who was unable to see the problems... or an engagement (the furthest along i have ever gotten) which ends with a mutual separation and turns quickly into a full-on backstabbing betrayal complete with lots of salt and lemon for the wound.... the bitterest part of the lemon (ironically called the zest, huh?) is the debt i incurred not from the ring, but from paying rent while she paid down her credit card bills, so that after the wedding we could focus on mine (cuz they were smaller).
which leads me back to the start of the blog, sitting in my apartment, alone, contemplating the debts i still carry, that blasted dog across the fence, and knowing that the greatest test is before me: get these debts paid off and hope that i am actually going to have a second chance with the woman whom i think is my soulmate. run this gauntlet of debt and work, and not screw it up with her again.
wish me luck,
"thursday is near. lay hand on heart. advise."</td></tr>