thedouglas (thedouglas) wrote,

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Low night

It's interesting how a nice morning can turn into a crap evening because of one incident.

WARNING: the following is a self-pitying, superficial wallowing of the kind I detest. Skip it. It's just to get it out of my system. This doesn't apply to every situation or every one, but right now all I can see is this forest and the few wonderful trees...don't feel like enough.

I am sitting on the couch thinking about all the crap that has happened recently and feeling powerless. Worthless. I hear people say that success is all about hard work and if you don't succeed it is because you were lazy. Guess I am just lazy. Thanks, Cleveland. Perhaps staying was a bad idea.

I'm always seen here as something other than what is needed. I am never the first thought. I am always third on the list. An afterthought. Projects are never chosen with me in mind. I am the one who gets approached after the first choices turn it down.

I'm rarely seen as an actor despite the times I have garnered good reviews and surprised people who had forgotten I exist. Yeah, it takes me a while to memorize and dance choreography is a chore, but once those get in the thick skull the scene work is usually pretty good.

I'm not seen as a director even though I have done a decent job when I get a project. Perhaps not a theatrical WOW but usually a pretty solid show with grounded acting choices and many layers. Didn't do a bad decade as artistic director of the Shakes Fest, on a shoestring budget and little or no real support structure.

I'm not seen as a playwright. Despite having some works published and my readings get good feedback... I know I need to send the scripts out to theaters, but why is it so hard in my own city?

Fight choreographer? Only when a director realizes they forgot to get someone.

At best I am see as a signer. Thank goodness that I have a job now that sees the years of work I have put into this language. If only Signstage was still a professional company. That would have been a great home to grow. Now I teach and am trying to find ways to get ASL and theatre to mix. It will happen, theatre after ASL, of course.

But as for my place in Cleveland theatre... I guess I'm ready to do that role in CHICAGO now. "Mr. Cellophane shoulda been my name...."

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